Under The Wagon

1. Lack of Enthusiasm

Him 1: Hey, Karla...I don't know how to tell you this...But, um...I don't want to see you anymore.
Me: Okay.
Him 1: What?
Me: Okay. You know, it's cool.
Him 1: That's it? That's all you have to say???
Me: Why are you getting upset? You said you didn't want to see me anymore and I said it's okay.
Him 1 (sounding upset): I'm not upset! I just didn't think it'd be that easy.
Me: Yeah, it pretty much is.
Him 1: (indignant silence)
Me: Um...I'm sorry?

2. Lack of Nurturing Instincts

Him 2: Hey, that feels really nice and all, but you'd better stop or I'm gonna want to fuck you.
Me: Well, yeah, that's kinda the --
Him 2: It's just that I'm really confused right now, and I just feel so hopeless all the time, you know, like I don't know what I'm doing with my life and...
Me: Are you crying? Jesus christ.
Him 2 (turning over in bed to face the wall): God, the only way you even qualify as a woman is because you have a vagina!
Me: Holy shit, I can't believe you're crying!

3. Lack of Any Common Fucking Sense

Him 3: Hey you wanna do something stupid?
Me: ...Yes.*

(Later, sitting naked on the floor amid the wreckage of what used to be my bed)

Him 3: Oh man, sorry about that. Think you can fix it?

(Much later)

Him 3: Well I better go. But like I said, my girlfriend and I on the rocks right now, so it's okay. I'm probably moving out soon, anyway.
Me: That's cool.


Really, it's not the dying alone that bothers me. It's the 20-30 years between now and then that are gonna be a bitch.

*Note: Karla Pacheco has never answered the question "Wanna do something stupid" with any answer other than "yes."

(yes, I posted this on the other blog I contribute to http://wnepeeps.blogspot.com/ but it fits well here too, so blow me.)

Cocktails for the New Millennium
Note: The Management has been advised to include a disclaimer about the risks of drinking any alcoholic beverages (much less these ones). We're supposed to inform you that alcohol may cause liver disease, impair your ability to operate motor vehicles, and lead to birth defects. But frankly, we don't care about your health, you're already a bad driver, and we're pretty sure your children would be ugly. In all honesty, we loathe you. So please enjoy:

Cocktails for the New Millennium: The Next Millennium, not this one.

The Mali-Booyah!
* One jigger coconut rum
* One bottle NyQuil

Serve chilled if you have a temperature, warm for a cold. Either way, it's the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so-you-will-never-wake-up-again-and-realize-you're-gonna-die-alone medicine.

Planter's Punch
*2 jiggers Jamaica rum
*1 jigger lime juice
*1/2 jigger simple syrup
*One slave of the Negro persuasion

Why don't you have your slave mix you up a nice punch while you sit on the verandah, you cold-blooded bastard? My God! How do you sleep at night? You sicken me.

The Morning Perk
* One pot black coffee
* One handful Percocet

When you're trying really hard to wake up, only to find you have no reason to.

Slow, Slutty, Double Entendre
* One Sorority Pledge
* 6 pitchers of some sickenly sweet, pink alcoholic mixture (no less than 80 proof)
* One tiny paper parasol

Feed the pledge the pink stuff. Have sex with her.

What? The little umbrella? Just throw that away, dude. Those things are totally gay.

The Vic-ano
* One Liter Vodka
* 12oz Tabasco
* One refillable prescription for Vicodin

Drink the Vodka. Take a lot of Vicodin. Try to talk one of your friends into drinking the Tabasco. Tell him he's a fag if he doesn't. If he asks why you aren't drinking it then, if you're such a non-fag, tell him it's 'cause you're already too spicy, and his mom knows that's the truth, hell yeah, muthafucka, you know what I'm talkin' about. Aww, Snap.

The Flaming Homo
* One pint Homogenized Milk
* One match

Light the milk on fire.

What do you mean, "How?" I don't know...fuckin' lighter fluid or something. Do I have to do everything around here? Jesus Christ, you're useless. Just useless.

Bloody Virgin Mary
* Ruphynol
* One 12 year old Catholic School girl

No, you didn't just read that. Move on.

Gin Rummy
* One bottle Gin
* One bottle Rum
* One deck Regulation Playing Cards

Get drunk. Play cards. Like you were gonna do anything useful today.

Test.

The Management hereby announces the penalties for the following statements:

"Deep down, you're not that tough." "You only act all hard-bitten to keep people from getting close to you." "I know that underneath it all you're a softy."

Penalty: I stab you in the eye with a fork

"Jesus, you really don't have any feelings at all, do you?" "You just hate romance and love and anything nice." "You're not interested in a normal relationship."

Penalty: Either a nut-slap or a titty twister, depending on gender.

It's like this, kids: Yes, that crusty exterior is for real, and no, I'm not just moments away from melting into a little puddle of emotion. I don't like talking about my feelings. I am a cynical bitch.

But I'm not completely heartless, and like pretty much everybody else in the world I would like to have someone who enjoys being with me on a regular (and periodically naked) basis. But I have different standards and "non-traditional" ways of traversing the horrible train wreck that human relationships can be.

Think of it this way...I'm not a an ice princess, frozen straight through. Nor am I a cherry cordial, with some sickenly sweet gooey center.

I'm nougat, okay? Firm, but flexible. A hard candy coating, and underneath that...Nougat.

Just...Nougat.



Now I want a candy bar.