Under The Wagon

Have you heard about those dealies that they put on the cars of major, court-determined alcoholics? It's a breathalyzer set-up that you have to blow into before you can start the car. The ignition won't start unless you're sober enough to drive.

I want one of those things on my phone.

The other day I woke up with only fuzzy memories of how I got home. Apparently some cabbie had mercy and got my inebriated ass home from Elbo, even though I don't quite think I had enough fare. This is bad.

I blearily leaned over the bed for my patented "Next-day-phone-check" (this always follows the patented "Am-I-alone-in-bed-check"...I was). And yep, the outgoing call registry was filled. Filled with calls I made at 2:40am. And 2:41. And 2:42.

This is very bad.

I did talk to one of the lucky recipients of my drunken communiques...

Me: "Um, Roger, did I leave you a message last night?"
Rog: "hahahahahahhahaha."

I take this as a yes.

Me: "What did I..."
Rog: "hiiiiiiii, itz Karla....I'mmmmm drunk. I love you. Loooooove you."
Me: "Oh god...Well, I guess I called Larry, too."
Rog: "Oh shit. That's not good."

Yeah, I know.

I haven't heard back from anyone else I called, so, being far too embarrassed to actually talk to them, I sent off a few patented "Next-day-apology-emails." Those are always popular. I have a standard form letter for it, even.

"Dear ____, Hey, I was really trashed last night and I guess I was really (circle applicable) out of control/surly/sad/horny. Please select appropriate apology.
Sorry that I:
Threw up on you-your couch-your dog
Attempted to destroy ______ (insert appropriate possession, person, or relationship)
Called you to say I love you/hate you/want to sleep with you
Slept with you

Once again, really sorry 'bout that. I don't remember anything. Cheers, Karla"

So, does anybody know where I can pick up one of those breathalyzer things for my phone? Preferably with an automatic ex-boyfriend outgoing-call blocking function?

'Cause I really need one.