Under The Wagon

I turn 28 in February.

Since most of my friends are in their mid-30s, I mostly get "fuck you" reactions when I bitch about getting older, but I still feel the grim specter of Three-Oh looming over the bar.

Upside to getting older:
My alcohol tolerance has increased. It takes longer for me to get stinking-drooling-fall-down-drunk.

Downside to getting older:
My alcohol tolerance has increased. It costs a lot more for me to get stinking-drooling-fall-down-drunk.

Downside to it costing more/taking longer for me to get...
I get laid less.

Don't get me wrong, I still have more sex than most people I know. I'm a chick with no discernible morals. I could be twice my weight, half my height, and triple the ugly, and still get laid. That's the beauty of having a vagina. You guys desperately need it, and most girls act like they don't want the one they have. So it works out well for me.

But with me spending more time upright at the bar, my standards have unfortunately gone up. Now, there's really nowhere else for my standards to go than up...I've always been an equal opportunity trollop. I'm hardly a bottom feeder, but "average" guys (and the occasionally uggo) are just so wonderfully grateful. I'm not pretty enough to intimidate them, but I'm still a step better than what most of them are used to. Plus, few can believe it's really that easy to get into my britches.

And I'd rather have an awestruck Joe Pony-Keg eating me out until I say so than the All-American personal trainer watching himself in the mirror over his bed while he plugs me.

But with decreased blood alcohol content, comes a) decreased "potential." Guys I'd normally be naked with in a minute are suddenly...Mmm, not so much. And b) My drunken confidence level is also significantly reduced, so guys I might hunt down faster than Bambi's mom are suddenly a little beyond me.

A few years ago I quit drinking. I started again not from rampant alcoholism, but because of the rampant I'm-not-getting-laid-to-save-my-life-ism.

Right now, I'm just trying to figure out why...given I'm currently as gin-riddled as I've ever been...aren't I getting laid as much?

I'm blaming it on February.

Stupid 28. I didn't sign on for this.