Under The Wagon

Things I've bitched about in the last few weeks:

*My Job (occasionally)
*The play I produced (excessively)
*Whether or not I'm getting a laptop for Christmas (quasi-jokingly, but actually pretty serious about it)
*My acid reflux (Both for pity and as an excuse for not getting shit done)
*My love life/lack thereof (obsessively)

I have bored my friends to tears this past month. While this time of the year is usually pretty rough on me - I have hardcore Seasonal Affective Disorder - this year I've managed to combine it with Sundry Additional Complaints, for a delightful case of S.A.D.S.A.C.*

* Seasonal Affective Disorder is actually a legit problem. I still think it's ridiculous and frustrating that my mental health is so horribly affected by lack of sunlight. It feels stupid. Like some trendy, yuppie hypochondria. But for 10 years I've practically been able to tell what day it is by how bad I feel and the rather terrifying random thoughts that pop into my head..."Hey, why don't you slit your wrist today?" "Hmm, must be Nov. 15th." I've tried medication (don't get me started on the sexual side effects of Prozac), but I've learned to control the worst part of the depression. I just get really moody until everything peaks in January...And then the slow decline back into...well, my normal moodiness.

This year I've been fighting the good fight against the S.A.D., mainly because for once I have some excellent, extremely supportive friends around me. But the poor people have been putting up with a shitload of S.A.C.

After I had the 7 millionth bitchfest about "the horrible unloved-ness of me" to one poor chum (thank you Rebecca), I realized what a wretched broken record I sound like. Jesus christ, I don't know how they've been putting up with it. So I decided to evaluate:

1. My Job: My boss doesn't like me and I feel like the clock's ticking. However, I've managed to work less than 3 days a week for THREE YEARS. Getting a shit day job wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to me. I could actually meet people, have a normal sleep schedule, and a day job would accommodate my acting endeavors much better than my current job.
2. The Play: It was stressful and frustrating at times, but it's over, and it was very successful. I learned some valuable lessons about producing and now I can start looking towards the next project.
3. The Laptop: Oh god, but I was a bastard about this one. Several months ago my mom suggested she was getting me a laptop computer for Christmas. Then she started talking as if she was getting me a "surprise" instead. My brother confirmed I was getting something else. I needed a laptop, she said she was getting me a laptop, what happened to the laptop??? Turns out she and my brother were in cahoots to repay me several years of Christmas present oriented torture. I got the laptop. It's a gorgeous Sony VAIO, and the most expensive present I've ever received. It is so much better than I deserve.
4. The Acid Reflux: The play is over, which should cut down on this considerably. The rest is my own damn fault for drinking and smoking so much, along with horrible eating and sleeping habits. I know what I need to change to fix it, so I need to shut up already.
5. The Lack-o-love-Life: Everybody is sick of hearing about this one, but it can be summed up thusly - "Wow, you're having a hard time finding a relationship? Everybody does, asshole. You at least get laid pretty much when you want, and as much as you bitch about being unloved there's a ton of people you know who go months or years at a time without love OR sex." To paraphrase an old standard (in the worst way possible) "There's plenty of starving children in China who'd love to get some cock." Relationships are hard and what I'm going through is no different than what everybody else does.

So I'm gonna try to stop bitching. There are things that I can fix, and things I can't. I need to focus on what I can do something about and shut the fuck up about the rest.

But thank whatever powers that be that I've got such incredible people around me who've listened to hours of this shit. When they've given me advice, it's been very good advice indeed. And the rest of the time they've just listened.

Thank you. I'm pretty fucking lucky.

(For anyone who read all through this hoping for my usual lust-laden sagas of debauchery...Don't worry. I'm going out tonight, got the WNEP Christmas party tomorrow and Rock Club on Monday. Tales of humiliation are sure to follow.)