Under The Wagon

I really want a cigarette right now. But at least I have gin. Boy, oh boy do I have gin!

Though it took me a while...

You'll recall the lovely boys of Carbonfour (great band, check out www.carbonfourmusic.com) bought me a bottle of Tanqueray 10 for my birthday. If you're a gin drinker, you must find a way to try this shit sometime. I happily advocate the selling of Mexican infants, kidneys, and your own blood relatives to finance this, should it prove necessary.

Sunday night I decided to enjoy a glass (okay, plastic cup) of this delightful spirit. I tried to open the bottle. For about 20 minutes. It hurt my hand, I was too tired to deal with it, and looked at my inability to get drunk on a Sunday night as a minor difficulty. I went to bed.

Monday night I had 2 Gin & Tonics (well gin) and 3 Long Island Ice Teas at Elbo Room. Once home, I could barely stand, much less attempt the stubborn bitch that was my Tanqueray cap. Though I apparently tried. I woke up with the bottle cradled in my arms. Still sealed tight.

I was hungover all day Tuesday. I was ready to enjoy some goddamn expensive gin. I tried running hot water over the cap, I tried varying grades of rough fabric (towel, washcloth, brillo pad), I inquired of friends, acquaintances, and total strangers about the best way to open the fucking bottle. Thanks to The Jay Pinkerton Message Board, by the way. I sought pliers and wrenches but the only ones in my possession proved too narrow to grip the sides of the cap. Because, you know...God hates me.

Finally I reached my limit. My hands were nearly bleeding. I was exhausted. I was sober.

I got the hammer.

I had every intention of smashing the top off this mother. I figured I could carefully distill the glass shards from my botanically distilled single batch gin (Dude, this is seriously good shit) and transfer it to some other, less worthy container. Tupperware, perhaps.

Like a scorned Valkyrie, I raised my mighty hammer high...Swung...Winced a little and hesitated while squeezing my eyes shut...

The moment of doubt resulted in a less than vigorous strike. Which was fucking awesome!

The hammer struck the cap sharply, nicely splitting it just enough to facilitate an easy opening.

God said, "Let there be gin." And it was good.

Goddamn, is that shit good.

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Tanqueray 10 is an amazingly smooth "sippable" gin. You really don't need any tonic or even lime to enjoy it. I'm drinking it straight right now (whee). However, I thought I'd invent a new cocktail...I call it "The DILLettante," it mixes gin with pickle juice.

The DILLettante sucks.