Under The Wagon

I recently found someone who makes me a little gushy in the girl panties. However, said someone lives a jazillion miles away from said panties. Which is frustrating.

Love letters tenderly inscribed on high quality, heavyweight stationary (perhaps with those tiny wildflowers pressed into it) would make great reading material in my old age, when I could press them tight against the sagging flesh of my time-ravaged bosom. But what about the now? When I need some hard core dirty fuckin’?

Two options remained to my beau and me: Break up. Or start a rigorous routine of cybersex. Hello, my name is Karla, I’m fingering myself on the internet, and I’m GOOD at it.

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Step One: Setting the Scene
Or, “So, I’m having sex with you, I guess.”

Fantasies are fantastic! The most vital part of online nookie is your “Virtual Environment.” (Christ, does that sound gay.) Your job is to create a whole little world in your brain, using the power of your words. This is called “imagination” and being an “effective communicator.” If you have trouble writing your grocery list to get more than beer and menthol cigarettes, try reading. Grab a couple of cheap paperback romance novels from your mother’s basement (you don’t want to know what she was using them for, trust me). These are your primers. Romance novels, while aimed at despondent hausfraus, are vivid, literary journeys to orgasmville. Study them, even memorize a few key passages to use as needed. Just don’t call your beloved “Felicity Corsetheave” or “Tyrone Bulgecrotch” by accident.

Be descriptive. Instead of “I’m fucking you doggy style,” try “I’ve got you bent over a chair. You know, that old chair your grandmother gave you? The orange upholstered one with the gravy stain on the arm rest? You’re face down in it, baby.” For the ladies, expand your virtual wardrobe with flowing portrayals of sexy clothes you would never buy, or fit into. “Vinyl boots, thigh high fishnets, white panties and a Catwoman mask? I look GREAT!” It doesn’t matter if he’s sitting around in a stained t-shirt and boxers while she’s polishing off a tub of Hagen-Daaz…It’s all about creating a fantasy to suck you both in. “Suck” being the operative term.

Homework Assignment: visit exotic locales (hopefully ones with hot tubs) and have sex in fun and exciting places. Remember every moment, and describe them to your significant other. Paris, island resorts, and scenic ski chalets are good. Thai brothels and “Against the dumpster behind Jack-in-the-Box,” less so. Unless that’s where you had your first date or something. In that case, it‘s romantic.

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Step Two: The Lingo of Love
“You feel nice and stuff!”

Synonyms are sexy. A much neglected key to good cybersex is vocabulary. At some point you’re going to run out of ways to say “Your/My cock is so hard,“ Your/My pussy is so wet.“ Keeping a thesaurus by your bedside for easy reference is a great start. A few variations for “hard” and “wet” include:

Adamantine, callous, compacted, dense, firm, impenetrable, indurate, iron packed, rigid, rocky, stiff, thick, tough, unyielding
AND
Aqueous, clammy, dank, dripping, foggy, humid, moist, saturated, slimy, slushy, soggy, teeming, water-logged

My Roget’s didn’t include much in the way of cock or pussy (it NEVER does) that wasn’t animal related, so unless you’ve a vastly different idea of a good time than I do, dig into your favorite pornographic magazines for ideas. In just a few sentences I found:

Member, man-meat, schlong, dick, beef-stick, taskmaster, prick, pant-baloney, trouser trowel, penis
AND
Cunt, slit, fur lined pot, beaver, muff , warm velvet jewel box “Captain Snapper,” panty pudding, orifice

Mix and match to make such erotic phrases as “My adamantine taskmaster is entering your waterlogged panty pudding.” HOT!

Homework Assignment: look up synonyms for “Inserting,” “Throbbing” and “Taste so good, baby.” Also look up synonyms for “Baby.”

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Step Three: The Technical Stuff
“Are you…? Wait, I’m almost…Ah, shit.”

The one-handed typing predicament. The biggest question regarding cybersex: “Karla, but how do I…you know…do it? While writing stuff out?” The most prevalent solution is taking turns. You talk Schmoopy Pie through their good time, then Punkin’ Poodle gets you going for yours. It works fairly well, though I’m a big fan of taking a little more time, so you can both fake your orgasms (this IS the internet, they’ll never know) together. Experiment, be patient, and find out what works best for you. Expect plenty of times when you’re describing marmoset-crazed thrusting into damp crevices, while Love Turtle is still “slowly undoing each. Individual. Button.” Just roll with it. Eventually you’ll develop a style that has both of you exploding in globally devastating tsunamis of passion. And if you absolutely can’t figure out things like timing, creativity, and how to use your goddamn keyboard…

Buy a fucking web cam.

Sometimes a picture's worth a thousand words. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to jack off in front of a camera. Don’t be embarrassed. Remember you’re doing this for someone you care about (or at least someone you‘re paying to care about you). Wear a big enough smile, and you might be able to get away with being the "strong, silent type."